Signs She Is Not Going Home With You

She’s not going home with you if:

So you’re out with a girl, and you’re unsure if it’s going well. Obviously by “going well,” I mean you’re wondering whether you’re going to be able to close tonight. Take it from someone who goes on a lot of bad dates – if I want to go home with you, I will. If I don’t, it’s fairly obvious. You just have to know what signs to look for. Before I begin, I would like to note that this is not an all-inclusive list. It is possible that a girl won’t do any of these things, and still won’t go home with you. Life sucks, I know.

That being said, she’s definitely not going home with you if:

If I’m having a bad date, I look around a lot. This is because sub-consciously I’m hoping to run into someone I know and force him or her to join us so I don’t have to be alone with you. If I don’t want to be alone with you in a crowded restaurant, I definitely don’t want to be alone with you in private. So no, I’m not going home with you.

When I’m on a good date, I don’t text. I also tend to not answer the phone unless it’s urgent. In fact, when I go on a really good date, I hardly talk about it at all. Bad dates, on the other hand, lead to over-exaggerated, melodramatic stories with no detail spared. So, no, you are not paranoid: If I’m texting a lot during our date, chances are I’m talking shit on you to my friends. Ok, so maybe I’m not fully unloading, but if I’m disinterested enough to text, I’m definitely not going home with you tonight.

When I’m out with a guy I am interested in, the last thing I want to do is lead him to believe I am dropping a deuce mid-date. If I go to the bathroom for 10 minutes or more, I probably couldn’t care less what the guy I’m out with thinks I’m doing. Yes, I’m probably just making friends, texting, and re-doing my make-up, but I wouldn’t be doing that if I were interested in going home with you tonight.
(Disclaimer: This rule is void if there is a long line.)

If I like you, I want you to think I’ve never been anyone’s ex. I will dismiss my past relationships immediately. “It was whatever. I never really even liked him. It was really just a little fling.” This is true even if I just want you to be my rebound. If I’m not interested in sleeping with you, let alone seeing you romantically again, I will lay it on thick: “He really broke my heart. I’m not over him yet. I’m not ready for a new relationship.” Doing this is just a subtle twist on the old adage, “it’s not you; it’s me.” Get over it.

Taking home leftovers is complicated. It almost seems like the polite thing to do, because my date paid for it and I don’t want to seem wasteful. But the truth is that if I take home leftovers, I’m planning to get them into the fridge (read: my fridge) pretty quickly. Unless we have predetermined plans to go to your place, get down, and then enjoy the leftovers afterwards, I intend on taking that doggy bag home A.S.A.P. If I wanted to come over, I wouldn’t want the hassle of carrying around a Styrofoam carton of leftover salad, and I wouldn’t have asked for a box.